Raising LGBTQ2+ Kids Overseas - Big Purple Blob Podcast Episode 73
Introduction
I’m so grateful for the Blobbers at The Big Purple Blob for taking the time to do a record breaking (for me at least) 80 min podcast. We couldn’t find a way to make it any shorter. All this information is SO important. They came up with some incredible questions from their listeners and I hope people find my contributions helpful. I’ve outlined the questions and answers below. It’s not a direct transcript but it’s close.
Jump to Question
The Highlights
Make sure you are getting support for yourself so you can show up for your children. As adults, we often have more “stuff”/baggage than our kiddos and we need to be careful to make sure we are not passing our stuff onto them as much as possible. Seek out therapy, access mental health support through FS channels, support groups, friends, LGBTQ organizations (in person/online) to bolster your support network. Resources are linked all over this article.
Children are super resilient and can work through their stuff. You don’t have to know all the answers. Loving and supporting their thoughts/decisions is enough. Connecting them to resources is incredible. Advocating for them in spaces where they have less power will empower them throughout their lives.
Google is your FRIEND! Knowledge is power and the enemy of fear. Take advantage of everything I’ve linked here along with all my free resources and writings about therapy all over my site!
Basic Terms
Sex - Biological classification male/female
Gender - Social construct that comes with rules on how we “should” act. Boys/men, girls/women, non-binary
Gender Identity - how we think about or identify ourselves on the inside
Gender Expression - how we present ourselves on the outside (clothes, make-up, hair, chest binders, etc)
Sexual Orientation - who we are attracted to
Trans or transgender (not transgendered/transsexual) - a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex.
2SLGBTQIA - Two-Spirit (from Indigenous communities), Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Intersex, Asexual. Other abbreviations include LGBTQ2+, LGBTTTQQIAA2S, and the alphabet army.
Queer - Once a derogatory term that has been reclaimed by the community. It can be a general descriptor for the entire LGBTQIA2+ community (“the queer community”), it is an identity itself (often seen as an umbrella term that is more fluid than other terms, can also be used as genderqueer). Queer is also a verb which means to explore the foundations, biases, and boundaries of an idea or institution. These questions help us find where there is space for change/transformation. When we are queering an idea, space, or relationship, we are looking at what it really is and usually trying to make it safer/more inclusive for those involved.
Intersex - Those born with ambiguous genitalia and/or sexual organs from both sexes - estimates are quite poor, but 1 in 1500-2000 babies are born with ambiguous genitalia. Most doctors make decisions in the first few days of their lives and "correct" the genitalia, with some parents never sharing this information with their children, which may lead to extra difficulties when working through sexuality/gender concerns later.
Gender Nonconforming - A term used to discribe people who’s gender identity doesn’t match their biological sex or anyone who is not abiding by the “rules” of binary gender.
Gender Dysphoria - symptom or diagnosis typically given to a person whose assigned birth gender is not the same as the one with which they identify. Not a “disorder” but may be used in health care fields to refer to the social, physical, or emotional distress felt by those who are gender nonconforming
Gender Affirming Therapy/Transitioning - A varied and unique process where individuals take steps to align their bodies/presentations with their internal gender identity and often process how their lives/bodies/relationships are changing.
Reparative & Conversion “therapies” - typically faith-based interventions focused on forcing 2SLGBTQ individuals to be or act heterosexual or in heteronormative ways. These programs have been uniformly condemned as psychologically harmful by the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Psychiatric Association, and numerous similar professional organizations.
Questions
I have a three-year-old daughter who says she doesn’t want to be a girl. I don’t know how to respond. If I’m honest it makes me nervous to think she may decide to be a male later in life. Please help me understand how a child knows (s)he isn’t the right gender?
Children become conscious of gender around age 2. They understand the social roles the world is giving them all the time through media and seeing people around them. Experimentation is normal, if the gender talk is persistent or consistently associated with anger/frustration/anxiety, it is important you listen to and support what your child is asking for and seek gender affirming care/support. Data is not the best here, but between 5-25% of children who experience gender dysphoria go on to identify as trans in adulthood. This number drastically increases for children who begin to or continue to identify as another gender after age 10. Nearly 2% of youth in the US identify as trans. That’s about 860,000 kiddos.
What children really need here is space, communication, gender affirming care. Average age of social transition is 6.5 years. Retransitions are uncommon and usually happen before age 10. Being open and understanding as a parent is helpful here. Allowing gender to be fluid will help your child explore and find a space or range that feels aligned with them.
Resource - WPATH - World Professional Association for Transgender Health Standards of Care
I suspect my 14-year-old son is questioning his sexuality. He hasn’t said anything to me. I don’t want him to feel like he has to keep his feelings secret. What should I say to him? How do I support him through his journey?
Bring it up explicitly. You are the parent and you can talk about anything you want. This will help normalize the issue. If you are afraid of it, they will be too.
How to Understand Your Sexuality: A Practical Guide for Exploring Who You Are by Meg-John Barker, Alex Iantaffi, & Jules Scheele
Gender Identity Workbook for Teens: Practical Exercises to Navigate Your Exploration, Support Your Journey, and Celebrate Who You Are by Andrew Maxwell Triska
How do I let my LGBTQIA+ child know I support and affirm their decisions? How do I become an ally? How do I raise my kids to be allies regardless of their gender-identity choices?
AKidsBookAbout.com is an excellent resource for children’s books on a variety of issues including sexuality/gender as well as things like kindness, money, systemic racism, feminism, war, and so much more.
Have conversations, take your children to pride events, watch diverse shows/read diverse books together. Don’t just talk about it, do it. Have diverse people in your life. Modeling is the best way for children to learn how to treat people. If they see you working through the awkward learning moments that come with diverse friendships, they will have the skills to do that too.
How do I focus on the needs of my child going through a gender-identity change, while supporting my other child? I feel like I am overwhelmed and failing both of my children.
There are lots of things you can do, most of them are small actions. Solo dates with each child. Explicit acknowledgement of different needs and tension. Affirming with love. Get help from other adults, support yourself.
You may want to reach out to a support group or family/individual therapy. There is a private facebook group, FS Parents of LGBTQIA+ children. Look up any post on Trailing Houses relating to LGBTQ issues and you will find moderators of the group. Here is a blog post I wrote: “Do I need therapy” and a great guide on beginning therapy.
How do I help my transgender child adjust to school, make friends and be comfortable with who they are?
Have explicit conversations with the school to help get everyone on the same page. Provide resources if necessary. More likely it will be the adults in the school who give them a hard time. Thankfully the younger generations have more access to information and are generally kinder around diversity issues. At least certainly there are more educated allies these days.
Give them language and permission to advocate for themselves. Earlier mentioned books could be helpful. Check in and back them up as needed.
Resource - Peer support groups at school, in local community or digitally
How do I talk to my nine-year-old who is PCSing in a country where it may not be safe for them to be open about their gender identity. So far, he’s only been in US schools where the school district is accepting and affirming. He is socially out as transgender at school and with friends.
This is a tough one. I don't know that there is any way that that isn't going to be harmful, disaffirming, and jarring to a child. Even if they can "survive" it, it will be hard to thrive if they are forced to hide a part of themselves for safety reasons. I know that NO parent ever wants to put their child in danger, but I can assure you, putting a gender non-confirming or trans child in a school/country setting where part of their identity is seen as wrong or even criminalized, will be causing harm to a developing child who does not have choice/autonomy in the decision. Not all gender non-conforming people experience gender dysphoria, but I would guess taking a child out of an affirming environment and putting them in a disaffirming environment would greatly increase the risk of gender dysphoria, which in turn increases risk of depression, anxiety, exposure to traumas, and even potentially suicidality.
I know FS folks prioritize their children’s education flow all the time (taking Posts that have the right number of years to let children graduate with other kids they know, etc.). This is not very different from that. In fact, I would say it’s even more important as it’s a safety issue over a comfort issue.
Resource - GLIFFA’s - Post Info to Go LGBTQI+ Survey. Currently, more than 150 posts have responded by providing an overview of conditions for LGBTQI+ personnel at post, including LGBTQI+ Issues for Kids. These survey responses are available on the OBC’s Post Info to Go intranet and external websites. If you are a parent of an LGBTQI+ kid looking for resources or support, we encourage you to reach out to board@glifaa.org or your glifaa post representative.
Some families choose affirming boarding schools in these scenarios.
As a parent, I would like to speak with more transgender men about how to speak to my transgender son and what would be helpful coming from a parent, but I don’t know very many transgender men. I struggle with this aspect of parenting a transgender child because I feel like I don’t have anyone to discuss parenting issues with, bounce ideas off of, etc. specific to transgender boys.
There are lots of options out there. Google Trans Mentorship Programs. PFLAG.org also has related publications & support groups.
Queers love to help queers! Many people in the community experienced a lack of understanding and information in their journeys and really want to prevent that for new generations. If you put yourself in an environment where you are likely to meet people from the community and let your intentions be known, I don't think you'll have trouble finding help. I recommend creating real relationships with trans folks and if you do want to consult with someone, maybe think about a way to compensate them for their emotional labor of teaching you and going through their maybe painful history for you/your child's benefit. With the Black Lives Matter mvoement, people started to recognize it's not okay to ask BIPOC people to educate us on racial issues and the same is true for the LGBTQ+ community.
One of my kids is transgender, the other is queer. Did I do something wrong when parenting them when they were young? Honestly, I feel like I failed them as a parent.
If your kids have told you that’s how they identify, I can promise you that you did something right. They trust you with this sensitive information and that is a big deal.
9.5% of youth identify as LGBTQ+ that’s about 4 million youth in the US. If you’re curious it’s currently 7% of adults - 14 million people in the US.
Self-exploration may be helpful to explore your ideas of what is “wrong” and where those narratives came from and if you still believe all the pieces of those narratives. Since you have queer folks in your family may be helpful to reach out to a queer affirming therapist. Most directories including Therapy Den and Psychology Today have checkboxes for this in their search functions. You can/should ask the therapist about this in the first session. This is an area I commonly work with, you can read more about me to see if we might be a good fit.
My daughter has expressed that she is gay. I do not condone her “choice” but I also don’t want to destroy our relationship. We’ve been really close her whole life. Is there a way I can support her while still holding true to my values & beliefs?
There is no question about one part of this. Sexuality is not a choice. I highly doubt your daughter would choose a way of life that would create distance in a relationship that is really important to her. In fact, I’m sure it was incredibly difficult for her to come out to you as I’m sure she is aware of your values and beliefs and it’s a testiment to the strength and love in the relationship that she did so.
Our values are in a hierarchy by nature and they get shuffled around and reprioritized all the time. Religious and spiritual beliefs often fall quite high and definitely influence our other values and choices. Consider where this relationship lies in that hierarchy and act in accordance with that. Some values/beliefs have pieces that we don’t truly believe in, but were passed down to us. Talking to someone in the helping field may help you explicitly look at these ideas.
Something I’ve heard a million times in my field is “actions have consequences”. Often people are saying it to adolescents, but it applies to adults as well. It’s important to consider which values you are choosing to uphold and the consequences of that.
Navigating LGBTQ Identities and Religion – The Trevor Project & PFLAG publications do a great job of providing information about how many religions have shifted to make space for queer folks as well as some things to think about in your own journey around religion and queerness.
Dr. Fae
has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She lives abroad and offers online therapy & clinical supervision. In her individual therapy practice, she specializes in value alignment, existential questions, decision making, and general coping to increase overall life satisfaction. Her online self-study course Deepening & Developing Connections is always available.
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