Figuring It Out - Flip the Script with Dee
Do you ever just bump into an incredible human that you think everyone should meet? I was so inspired by my interactions with another EFM at Post that I asked her to do an incredibly vulnerable thing and have a recorded conversation with me so I could share her wisdom with others, AND SHE SAID YES!
Dee Harlow shared her thoughts on how to “just be awesome”, live by your values, as well as some of her mindful/intentional practices as she moves through this wild world. You can see the latest iteration of her journey (watercolor painting) on instagram and facebook @dwharlow_art. Fun fact - Dee is the only person I know who stuck to their COVID hobby. Dee started painting during COVID lockdown in Washington D.C. in 2020. Our lockdowns in Vietnam have given her plenty of time to practice (our last one was over 100 days). Dee fell in love with the craft and the online community she found around it and she now hosts workshops where she has become, as her children call her, “the new Bob Ross”. As a workshop attendee, I can attest - she is only missing the afro. Her voice, spirit, and guidance take all the judgement out of trying a new art. Her work is incredible, go check it out.
The full interview is available in the video but here are some highlights and the time stamps so you can jump around.
“I’m just being awesome” - Disrupting the “what are you doing?” script (2:30)
“My husband has the job, but WE joined the life” - Values and intentional living (7:55)
“Is this the life I want to live?” - How personal values impact critical life choices (10:50)
What are values and how do we find them/stick to them? (13:40)
How do you get back to your values? (16:25)
“It’s constantly in flux” - Finding peace at Post (18:45)
What helps you gain stability (23:00)
Courage to connect
Leaning into the built in community & accept the help that’s present
“Be willing to be vulnerable” (30:00)
“I just want to be a good person now.” - Flipping the script on “shoulds” and “supposed to” (31:00)
“It’s not about you…Where you’re at is where you can connect” (35:20)
“Your people may not be the people physically around you” - Finding community (38:38)
“You never know what kind of day they are having” - Staying open and curious (41:00)
“We’re not trying to get to a happy place, we’re trying to get to a realistic place” (46:25)
“There are no gems” It’s not the Post that makes the place (47:20)
“It’s YOUR job to figure this out for you” Taking responsibility for getting your needs met (49:20)
“Don’t suffer imagined troubles” Be mindful of what your mind is full of (55:30)
“We do an impossible thing every few years” Weird struggles of FS/expat life and how to challenge the shoulds (again) (57:15)
Final nuggets of wisdom from Dee (1:01:02)
I’d like to note - I mention a few times the socialization of women as caregivers in close context to the EFM role.This was specific in the context of me being a woman speaking to another woman, but I fully acknowledge EFMs are of all genders and maybe not everyone is expected to be a caregiver, but there are lots of pressures for EFMs to do certain things and be certain ways because we are the “trailing spouse”.
Shameless Self-Promotion:
So many of the things Dee and I spoke about are things I consider to be the core skills of an expat: self-awareness, boundaries, and ability to deeply connect. I cover all this and more in my Deepening & Developing Connections workshop. If you’d like a little extra boost in any of these topics, check it out. There is a free trial session and in the spirit of PCS season you can get 50% off by using the code: DOYOUHAVETHEPASSPORTS until June 1.
Dr. Fae
has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She lives abroad and offers online therapy & clinical supervision. In her individual therapy practice, she specializes in value alignment, existential questions, decision making, and general coping to increase overall life satisfaction. Her online self-study course Deepening & Developing Connections is always available.
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