Goodbye Season - Important Reminders about PCSing

 
dozens of brown boxes packed on pallets

Remember

You are doing an incredibly hard thing. Relocating/moving is consistently in the top five life stressors along with death of a loved one, divorce, major illness, and job loss. It’s a BIG DEAL even if you do (sometimes) have more support/privilege than many others.

It is objectively difficult to move your life and family across the world (again). It’s hard to say goodbye, and many of us are not so good at it. It is definitely painful to worry about what might happen to your furry friends in the between times and during shipping. So, it’s okay to not be okay - even about moving.

You WILL be stressed and some things WON’T get done, but I can almost promise you the most important things WILL get done. Eventually. Maybe at the very last moment, but that still counts.

So first of all let’s take a deep breath. For real, try it. INHALE the biggest breath you’ve taken all day and slowly let it ALLLLLL out. Better? If not, try it 2-3 more times. Okay, keep reading for some helpful tips, reflection questions, and resources.


Helpful Tips

At the Individual Level

  • Do your best to beef up/protect your healthy habits. As you get busier you will be tempted to cut out your exercise time, your veggie prep time, your social time, or reading time. Don’t! These things give you the energy you need to do the hard stuff.

  • Do outsource/give up things you can. If you can buy precut veggies or ask a helper to do the shopping/prep, do that! If making the bed or clearing your email inbox before bed doesn’t give you peace/joy, don’t do it! It’s okay to let some stuff slide for now.

  • Take a few moments to slow down and remember what is important (see reflection questions below).

  • Be intentional about your goodbyes. It’s not often in life that we have the opportunity to say goodbye and close our chapters mindfully. Take advantage of this FS perk!

  • Don’t get sucked into a chaotic homeleave. You DO NOT have to visit every friend and relative while living out of a suitcase for 4-6 weeks. Create the adventure/visit/rest that you need. It’s okay (and important) to set boundaries and say no to the pieces that don’t fit into your value centered plan.



At the Couple/Family Level

  • Touch base with your partner/children to re-center family values. Why has your family chosen FS life? Why did you choose this next assignment? What will you all be trying to remember as a family as you go through another period of transition.

  • If you don’t have a regular family meeting, now is a great time to start.

If you have children: 

  • Transitions are hard for all of us, but little ones aren’t afraid to show it. They also have fewer coping skills to manage it. It’s totally normal for children to regress a little in times of stress and for pre/teens to get a bit moodier. Just remember they are doing their best in a tough time?

  • Be sure to have explicit conversations about the move at a level your children can understand. Children crave information and may ask a lot of questions. Answer what you can and be honest about the stuff you can’t. Read books, watch Youtube videos, and talk about the places you will go.

  • Children also need to know they will be safe. It may feel silly to adults, but it never hurts to remind your children that you love them, are thinking about them, and that you will do your best to protect them.

  • If you have teeny tinies you can help them out by printing a map and a calendar so they have track the amount of days left and be aware of where they will be when - this can be especially helpful during the home leave transition. I highly recommend stickers - they make everything better.

  • If you have adolescents, you might want to check out FSI’s zine “Transitions”. It has stories/comics about moving struggles and even very cool, developmentally appropriate activities to help kids make sense of the move. 

  • Give your children tasks that are appropriate for their developmental level. Have them pair down their toys and clothes for donation or let them cross off the day on the countdown calendar.

  • Maybe most importantly, model “good move behavior”. Talk about what’s important in life (being together/safe), talk about your feelings and how your managing them, and model healthy goodbyes (meeting with friends, sharing feelings).



At the Community Level

It’s okay to lean on the available resources. Remember, this is a hard thing you are doing. You have likely helped others get settled in before (and you probably will again). It’s okay to ask for and accept help from all kinds of sources:

  • Your partner

  • Your friends (near and far)

  • Organized institutions/sections (CLO, GSO, social sponsors)

  • Healthcare providers (like therapists or other healers)

  • Elders/mentors

  • Your communities 


Reaching out to your community can look like lots of things:

  • Letting your watercolor group know you’re going through a stressful time

  • Asking a question or searching for a resource on Trailing Houses Facebook group

  • Reaching out to a board game group in your new place to start establishing ties

  • Researching a support/process group for something you’ve been struggling with at Post but haven’t been able to access support on due to the circumstances.

I personally love support groups as they are great ways to feel connected and learn from people you never would have met otherwise. Give it a google, see what’s available. Maybe a Men’s or Women’s group? (I separate out these options as many people feel more comfortable and get different types of support in gendered groups - up to you) How about a group that meets up based on an interest? An LGBTQ or gender exploration/support group or you or your child?

Reflection Questions

Journaling or reflecting can be a great way to process transitions. See if any of these questions feel interesting or helpful to you.

  • What went well at this Post? How might you replicate some of these things at the next Post?

  • What didn’t go well (or totally sucked) at this Post? How might you prevent that from becoming a pattern in your life as you move forward?

  • What do you need to say goodbye to? What are you closing/wrapping up? Which of these things might need a ritual or conscious goodbye process? How can you honor your time/effort/relationship with the person/thing/practice you are saying goodbye to (both in this moment and over time)?

  • What are some things you are proud of from this post? What hard things did you manage to get through?

  • What values are most salient for you in this moment? How can you shift even small ways of being to align yourself with those values?

  • How do you want to be in the next part of your journey (PCSing, home leave, language training, new post)? How would you like to think/act? Is there a phrase you can hold to help remind you of this? 

    • For example: Sometimes I can get bummed out about the state of humanity and my own responsibilities as a healer. After a lot of work and value centering, a phrase I often use is “I do my best and that’s all I can do”. The phrase itself isn’t helpful to others, but it’s connected to my process and it reminds me of all the things I learned to get to that phrase. When I say it, it helps me center in my work and reign in my sense of responsibility to a more reasonable level.



Looking Forward…

Transitions can be chaotic but they are a great time to make any necessary shifts. Someone recently told me, moves are a great time to change your hair as no one will remember what it used to look like. I think this is true for all kinds of things. No matter how we were at our last post, our new post is an opportunity for us to try something new. Go knock on neighbors’ doors to introduce yourself. Have your office section over for a dinner party. Join a local sports team. Institute family game night once a week. 

I recently spoke with an inspirational woman (and EFM), Dee Harlow, about being awesome and “flipping the script” of Foreign Service life to make sure your life and connections are working for you. If you’re looking for a bit of a grounding or maybe even a little pep talk, I highly recommend it. You can watch it below or review my notes on the interview here.

Extra Tips

If you got this far I imagine you still want more. As the self-proclaimed queen of resources, here are a few more cool things.

  • There are a few things I consider to be the core skills of an expat/FS member: self-awareness, boundaries, and ability to deeply connect. I cover all this and more in my Deepening & Developing Connections workshop. If you’d like a little extra boost in any of these topics, check it out.





If you think I’ve got some pretty good ideas and you’d like some extra help thinking about what’s important for you and how you can step into your best life, you can read more about me all over this website and you can contact me by using the form on my Get Started page.

Got a “crazy” question and you’re not even sure if I (or anyone) can answer it? Send me those too. I’ll do what I can.




Good luck out there! Don’t forget to breathe.

Dr. Fae

has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She lives abroad and offers online therapy & clinical supervision. In her individual therapy practice, she specializes in value alignment, existential questions, decision making, and general coping to increase overall life satisfaction. Her online self-study course Deepening & Developing Connections is always available.

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You can learn more about her in all these places.

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*The content on online-therapy.net is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical/therapy advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical/mental condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.


 
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