How to Decide When/If to go “Home” for Death or Illness
When you live abroad for years and years it is a question of “when” not “if” you will get that call that there is a death or illness in the family. While these are difficult moments for all humans, those of us who are thousands of miles away have some extra struggles to consider.
When you first get the news
It’s totally normal to feel a large variety of feelings: sadness, numbness, shock, anger, relief, guilt, fear, etc. There is no template for grief. It all depends on your relationship with that person. Please take a moment to check in with yourself, get to a safe place, and have the reaction that comes up for you, whatever that is.
I recommend you go home (or to a friend’s house) and just take some time for you. Work can wait. If you have a therapist, you might want to schedule a call with them. For my clients, I always tell them to email me if they need a same day appointment and I will see them if humanly possible. Hopefully your therapist can do the same. A side note, it’s great to have an ongoing relationship with a therapist even if you don’t see them regularly, because you never know when you might need a little extra help. If you are looking at starting a relationship with a therapist, you can see how I work and if I don’t seem like a good fit, here are some friends of mine that I can recommend for you.
I highly recommend this website for grief resources.
If you KNOW you are going “home”
Sometimes there is no question, the person involved is very important to you and you want to be there yesterday. Okay. The process is relatively simple:
Take a few deep breaths and let yourself react to the news in a safe space.
If you are part of the US Mission abroad, this might qualify for an Emergency Visitation Travel Voucher (3 FAM 3740), contact your relevant chain of command, GSO, and travel agency to get that started.
If you have a partner or friend(s) who can help you with packing, pet sitting, child care, plant watering, work load delegation, or whatever needs to be done, let them do that for you.
Make sure you throw some cozy clothes, good snacks, and other items of comfort in your bag and get to the airport.
Try not to work while you are “home”. Just be there with your people. Grieving is enough work by itself and I promise you all the work will still be there when you get back. Take the space you need.
When you are deciding IF you “should” go
I say “should” because often societal expectations, or more likely that expat/living abroad guilt sets in when we hear bad news. We want to be able to DO something about it. We worry about how it will impact our relationships with others if we miss YET ANOTHER big life event.
Sometimes my clients schedule a chat with me to tell me there has been a death or illness and they aren’t sure if they are going back. We chat about what is coming up for them, the competing interests, and the things they might consider as the situation evolves (internally and externally). I’d say about 50% of my clients in this situation actually go “home”, but so far 100% have felt at peace with their decision - which is the most important part.
Before you get all wrapped up in the “shoulds”, the better question is why would you want to go home? Maybe you think “it’s just what people do.” Well, it doesn’t HAVE to be what you do. Is it for the person who is sick or dying? Do you have unfinished business with them? Is it something you NEED to make sure you discuss before they die? Is it important to the person who is sick that YOU be there? How would they feel about you jumping on a plane to come see them or attend the funeral? Maybe a phone/video call would be important even if you decide to go back as sometimes we cannot get back in time to be able to have a coherent chat.
Maybe it’s important for you to get home to support a parent, sibling or other important people through this process. That’s totally okay and if you know that is why you are going back you may be better able to plan your arrival and your energy to align yourself with that task. Maybe after speaking with your family, they might say they would prefer if you were able to come home for a longer period of time later. This happens more than you might think. We can be fearful that by not going immediately our important people will think less of us, but they usually understand our limits.
Once the dust begins to settle
Whether or not you go home immediately, at a different time, or not at all, you might want to continue to do a bit of processing. It is VERY common for people who are physically far away from the situation to feel like it’s not real, or to even temporarily forget the person is sick or dead. It is a natural consequence of having a whole life far away from your community. There is no need for guilt or shame in this unique process. Here are some suggestions I have for working towards integrating this experience:
Speak to your friends and family about your experience and about the person who has died. I can promise you people are willing to listen, even if they don’t know how to ask about it.
Write a letter to the deceased or have some sort of goodbye ritual (it may be some weeks or months before you feel ready to do this)
Reach out to a therapist if you feel stuck in your process or if you start to struggle with consistent low/sad mood, increased anxiety/anger, and/or poor sleep.
I hope these tips have been helpful for you. If you are reading this because you are currently trying to figure out some of these things, I am sending you peace and community in this trying time. May you find space and companionship to do whatever it is you need to do.
Got Questions? Contact Dr. Fae using the form below.
Dr. Fae
has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She lives abroad and offers online therapy & clinical supervision. In her individual therapy practice, she specializes in value alignment, existential questions, decision making, and general coping to increase overall life satisfaction. Her online self-study course Deepening & Developing Connections is always available.
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