Therapy is for Broken People - and Other Myths Debunked
TL;DR
Even high functioning adults struggle from time to time and it’s okay to get a little help.
Mental health impacts your physical health - a lot
Therapy can help with “small” problems and can even prevent them from becoming big problems
You get to decide how long you are in therapy. Most people feel better in 6 weeks and see big changes in 6 months
It’s okay to not know what you need from therapy. A good therapist will help you figure that out.
Therapy is for people who
Feel a bit off - even if they don’t understand what exactly is off.
Are having relationship issues at home/work.
Need to make a hard decision or just made one and are having some doubts.
Are struggling to make sense of something that happened (an actual event or a change in belief/perception).
Want to take good care of their health through learning new tools.
Are hurting/having a hard time and can’t solve it in their usual way.
Is Sasquatch real? Some things can only be known in our hearts.
I worked with people who struggled with psychosis, suicidality, and severe mood disorders for years. Traditional talk therapy is often (but not always) a helpful part of their treatment. Since moving abroad and then marrying into the U.S. Foreign Service, the people I work with struggle with concerns that are a bit different, but are honestly no less severe or complicated.
Here are some of the things people tell me - in and out of sessions.
Someone important died recently and I’m not over it
I’m totally burned out and thinking of quitting - this life isn’t what I thought it would be
I’m not sure if I want to stay married
I’m super stressed and nothing is working
My child said they are genderqueer and I don’t know what that means
I’m angry all the time and I hate it
I don’t know if I can stand one more PCS
I left my religion of 30 years and now I don’t know what to do
Some stuff happened in my past and it’s not a big deal, but I think I need to finally talk about it
I don’t really know who I am anymore
It’s pointless to compare pains. Society abuses us all differently. Your struggles are not any “less than” someone else’s - only different. We all have a lot going on. But if YOU need help, it’s okay to access it. You choosing to suffer doesn’t reduce the suffering of anyone else - in fact, it might increase the suffering of those closest to you. And besides, you have great health insurance, why not use it? Buddhist teachings say something like “Pain is inevitable - suffering is optional”. You can make choices to reduce your suffering by asking for help.
The tricky part about being a high functioning adult - especially one with an important government job - is that just because you CAN get through it but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t also use some help. Have you ever seen someone who refuses to rest/go home even when they’re sick? What about someone who is trying to do something that is clearly out of their ability/skill set? It’s not cute and it could even be dangerous (or at least inconvenient) for everyone around them. Asking for help and taking care of our (aging gasp!) bodies is hard work and it takes a brave person to do it. It’s important to remember, therapy isn’t an admission that you're broken. It’s an admission that you could use some help.
There’s a lot of things we didn’t learn in school, like how to do our taxes. Thank goodness we know the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell! Many of us also didn’t learn things like conflict resolution (not the international kind), how to understand what our emotions are telling us, how to deal with death, or how to make lasting friendships in 2-4 years and then maintain those relationships from across the world. Sometimes we can learn parts of these skills from our parents/caregivers, but many of us aren’t so lucky. If you didn’t learn those skills as a kid, that’s not your fault. Therapy is a place where you can learn a plethora of life skills, which helps you function better at work and at home. Once you have those skills you can break the unhealthy cycles your family may be in and maybe even provide a better option forward for your little ones - if you got ‘em.
We can do a lot more than just talk about your mother in therapy. On our way to self-actualization (a half joke) I help people with a lot of different things like:
Sleep
Reducing Burnout
Leadership Skills
Conflict Resolution
Discussing Concerns About Medication
Shifting Perspectives
Reducing Rumination
Time Management
Changing Negative Thought Patterns
Reducing Stress/Anxiety
Parenting Skills - just to name a few.
These skills are part of larger skill sets that really change your life like emotional regulation; knowing/adjusting one’s life narratives/values; addressing past traumas (even the small ones build up over time); and reparenting your inner child. Not everyone needs all of these skills, but most people could use a little help here or there.
The abstract part of your brain is in charge of your thoughts, feelings, and largely how you interact with others and the world. Those things are involved with a lot of important parts of our lives - job, relationships, and essentially life satisfaction. You make an appointment with the dentist when your tooth hurts, why wouldn’t you make an appointment with a therapist when your mind is giving you problems?
Stress impacts almost every part of our physical body. You may have heard a statistic that is getting popular (but it’s not new, this data was here before the pandemic) - Loneliness is as bad for you as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. This is because of the impact the chronic stress of poor/unsupportive relationships has on our minds and thus our bodies.
Here’s my favorite graphic to help people understand why stress is more than just stress.
There is still a massive stigma against mental health care in the Foreign Service. I know there were once repercussions and investigations for seeing a therapist or having a mental health diagnosis. Fortunately, this is rarely the case any more. The official word from The State Department is, “The act of seeking help from a counselor, psychotherapist, or other mental health professional to address stress, depression, grief, anxiety, family or marital issues, or other concerns is not derogatory in a (DoS) security clearance determination.” Furthermore, although they may ask for a form from any mental health provider you see (I’ve filled this one out many times), counseling for grief, bereavement, marital difficulties, family therapy, parenting issues, situational stress, pandemic stress, phase of life transitions, adjustment problems, coaching for attention deficit disorder, pastoral or spiritual needs, and other supportive services will no longer require any further review by the State Department Mental Health Clearance team.
From 2016-present, only approximately .001% of security clearance suspensions and revocations were based on issues stemming from mental health issues. If you want to learn more about changes in medical/security clearances and mental health care and/or how to access care abroad you can check out this article I wrote. It’s been viewed thousands of times.
If you start to take responsibility for healing your “stuff”, you can become more empathic and open towards others. Once you start to believe in your worth, you can set boundaries and spend your time/energy in ways that build you up. Making these small but important changes makes a better boss, employee, partner, parent, friend and you know…human.
Therapy isn’t forever. In fact, it’s totally up to you how long you want to be in therapy. If you are concerned about being in therapy “too long” just talk to your therapist about it and they can help you make a plan that works for you. Here is some information about how I work and generally how I think therapy works.
Some people come in for a few weeks, get some tools and get back out there. Others see me weekly to sort out more complicated issues. Most people see me less often over time. As they start to feel better, our sessions become more like check-ins to keep them on track. I think it’s totally okay to do a piece of work and then take a break to see how you get on with life or to move across the world - again. If something still isn’t right or if something new is stressing you out, come back in.
I’ll be honest - oftentimes people come in for symptoms and over time we find the root issue. This may take a little more than a new coping skill to truly heal. However, if you’re willing to make the investment in your health to treat the root of the issue - the symptoms will stop finding new ways to come back. Most of my clients start seeing real big changes in their lifestyles in about 6 months.
Having a therapist you can meet with as needed over time is like having a regular GP or dentist. It’s nice to have someone who can provide continuity of care. This is a true luxury in FS! I set up my therapy practice to move with me - wherever FS decides that will be. So ideally my clients can stay with me for many years. The time difference may not always be pretty, but it sure is nice to be able to contact the same person who helped you through the last move, or the divorce, or that time you couldn’t figure out what was going on and it turned out that you weren’t living in alignment with your values (happens more often than you think). I like to say I’m another part of the support network. I’m here for you, even if we haven’t met in months or even years. We can pick up right where we left off.
One of my favorite types of clients is the one who comes into our first session and says “I’m not sure if you can help me” or “I’m not really sure why I’m here”. Many times these people have never been in therapy before and they aren’t sure if therapy is what they need. I love speaking with these people, whether we end up working together or not because these are the type of people who are sick and tired of being sick and tired. They are ready for a change and open to hearing their options.
Even if you can’t quite figure out what’s going on or you’re not sure if therapy can help you, a therapist may be able to make a more objective look at this issue and recommend a course of action. Therapists, like medical doctors, have a specialized understanding of how the mind works and where things commonly get off track. A good therapist should be able to diagnose your symptoms and give you some insight into what is going on and what can be done about it. Remember, mental health is physical health.
Even if your therapist seems nice/competent you may not be sure about if it will be helpful. Maybe try 3-4 sessions and re-evaluate. Remember, you’re free to leave therapy at any time - although if you are having issues with your therapist, I highly recommend bringing them up rather than just ghosting them. Sure, no one likes to be ghosted, but likely the problem you are having with your therapist is a repetition of some other complicated pattern in your life.
If you have decided you want to give therapy a shot - that’s awesome! I’m so excited for you. If you just can’t get those last few pieces to fit and think I might be able to help, I encourage you to learn more about me here. I am happy to answer any questions you may have before making an appointment.
If you want to read a bit more about the technical process of therapy and how to interview your potential therapist, this is my favorite guide for navigating therapy. I didn’t write it, but it’s spot on and I’m a huge believer in not reinventing the wheel.
To book your free 30 minute consultation with me or to ask me a question or two, fill out the form below.
If you’d like me to speak to your team about this or other mental health/conflict management/community building issues, please also reach out via the form below.
Dr. Fae
has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She lives abroad and offers online therapy & clinical supervision. In her individual therapy practice, she specializes in value alignment, existential questions, decision making, and general coping to increase overall life satisfaction. Her online self-study course Deepening & Developing Connections is always available.
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