I want to look like trash when I grow up
Dolly Parton and the Unshakeable Authority
This is a blog version of my email newsletter from October 2026. Links and information may not be accurate if you are accessing this at a much later date.
Time flies when you’re having an existential crisis. My current women’s group focused on finding joy and asking tough questions will be wrapping up soon. Eight weeks is both a long and short time. It’s incredible the ground we can cover and still we are only a few layers down. I have run probably hundreds of group sessions over the last 15 years but they never cease to amaze me as places of intimacy, connection, exploration, and holding.
We’ve been talking a lot about how to stand in one’s own sense of Self and trusting that we can make tough but necessary choices from this place. These topics are too good not to share so I’m writing about them this month and I’ve got some more thoughts for you on decision making soon.
Announcement
I’m hoping I can pull together a brief dream group for 6 weeks in November/December. Jung was a big dreamer and his dreams informed his theories about people and the world deeply. If you’ve ever been curious about what your dreams mean or how you can use them to help guide your journey to your highest Self, fill out the form on this page. I’ll be in touch to chat more about it. It’s wild and transformative work. An amazing way to devote time to a deeper relationship with you. I’d love to share this practice with you.
I’ll be running my “regular” groups again starting in February. I am already so excited to meet my new crew of Soul Searchers and Spark Seekers. The sign up form is always there but I’ll include reminders in the newsletter each month as well.
Thoughts
There is a kind of authority that doesn't come from a title, a degree, a position, or anyone else's permission. It comes from somewhere deeper.
I’ve been thinking about it as Unshakable Authority. This was a topic in my latest therapy group and it held enough power to light up Manhattan. Obviously I won’t be discussing the details of our discussion, but the topic felt too important to gatekeep it.
The seeds of Unshakable Authority come from our young selves, just like so much else about us. Our younger selves often knew things before they had the language or power to explain them. They knew what they loved, what felt wrong, what fascinated them, what they wanted, and what mattered. Young people can sometimes be unshakable, but they don't have much authority. They are dependent on adults who may not be able to see past their own projections, fears, and assumptions, or the larger systems that shape how we understand ourselves: capitalism, heteronormativity, white supremacy, patriarchy, and all the rules about who we are supposed to be. Children are often told (explicitly and implicitly) that they are too much, too loud, too needy, too disobedient, too selfish, and just plain wrong. And because children are beautifully and tenderly dependent on the people around them, they often internalize those messages.
As adults, we have the opportunity to reclaim our authority. Maybe you know some people like this. They disrupt, interrupt, question, and don't tolerate bullshit when it comes into their orbit. They are often not loud or confrontational. Their authority comes from something deeper: they know themselves, they trust their perceptions, and they have a sense of what they will and will not accept. Think Miss Honey (IYKYK), Mr. Rogers, bell hooks, ALOK, Dolly Parton, or adrienne marie brown.
Inner authority isn't something that someone else can hand to us. It develops as we learn to hear our own voice underneath all the voices we've absorbed, take our experiences seriously, and make choices that are increasingly aligned with what we actually value. It means becoming willing to disappoint people, be misunderstood, or stand apart when necessary. It also means reclaiming the parts of ourselves that we learned to silence in order to belong.
Unshakable Authority isn't impermeable. We can listen, learn, change our minds, apologize, and remain curious. But we don't hand our center of gravity to someone else. The point isn't to become invulnerable. It is to become anchored. To have enough of a relationship with yourself that the storms of other people's expectations, projections, judgments, and disappointments don't determine your next move - they don’t shift who you are. When you stand in your power, you are more clear on what choices you want (or need) to make. When you know what is important to you, you can better protect it. When you know what is not yours, you can let it pass you by without getting tangled up in it.
If you want to explore this further, here are some questions for you:
What is Unshakable Authority?
Who grants it? How do you obtain it? Where in your life do you already have some degree of it? What do you know is true? What are you willing to fight for?
Where in your life do you still feel a bit soft? What ground in you needs reinforcing?
What would it feel like to trust my own authority a little more?
If you want a supportive community to hold you while you question, explore, and step into your own Unshakable Authority, I encourage you to sign up for my next group. I run them as often as I can - about 3 or 4 times a year. You just mark your interests and availability and I’ll be in touch when the stars align.
Resources
As always, thanks for joining me here. If I can ever be helpful with a resource or referral, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
Glad you're here,
fae
P.S. I'm not taking new individual clients at this time, but I'm hoping to see more people in my groups, which are focused on genuine connection and deep exploration. So, if you've been curious about joining me, keep an eye out. There'll be another space for you soon.
dr. fae
has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She lives abroad and offers online therapy & clinical supervision. In her individual therapy practice, she specializes in depth work, value alignment, existential questions, decision making, and general coping to increase overall life satisfaction.
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