Longing is in the root of belonging
July’s Book Recommendation
This month I want to highlight Belonging: Remembering Ourselves Home by Toko-pa Turner. I've been recommending this book to just about everyone. It’s so relevant for the existential crisis of identity and loneliness that so many of us are experiencing right now.
When most of us think about belonging, we think about finding the right people or the right place. Turner suggests something a little more difficult, but I think it gets to the real root of the issue. She argues that belonging begins with remembering our true selves. She encourages us to become honest about the parts of us we've hidden, minimized, or abandoned in order to fit in. Real belonging isn't built on performing a version of ourselves that feels acceptable. It's built on bringing our whole selves into relationship - first with ourselves and then with those around us.
As Turner shows readers through her story, this is no easy task. It means listening to our grief instead of outrunning it. It means paying attention to our longings instead of dismissing them. It means questioning whether the life we're living is actually our life or simply the one we learned would earn approval.
One line I haven't been able to shake is: "This is why longing is in the root of belonging." Turner reminds us that our deepest longings aren't problems to solve. They're often pointing us toward the life that wants to emerge.
I also appreciated her reminder that this isn't solitary work. We remember ourselves most fully in the presence of others who can witness us honestly, challenge us compassionately, and make room for who we are becoming. Healing happens internally, but it is rarely an individual achievement. We need community that invites authenticity rather than performance. She talks about her successes and failures in building this type of community. It can be especially hard building this type of authentic community in the Foreign Service life when we are moving all the time and everyone is worried about their hallway reputation. I feel almost allergic to the polished veneer of this life. I work hard to build authentic communities (mostly outside of the Embassy community) at each Post and I bring these principles of honest sharing and compassionate challenges into my work. If you are looking for this kind of community, consider joining one of my groups - we’re restarting in August.
If you've been feeling disconnected from yourself, uncertain where you fit, or uncertain how to move forward, I'd wholeheartedly recommend this book. And if reading it stirs something in you, don't let those reflections stay private. See if you can create a space of authentic connection and share your thoughts with someone you love.
P.S. A small heads up, I’ve gotten the feedback that the audiobook is a little too…yoga teacher voice. So if you’re not into that be sure to get the print version.
Announcements
I’m really looking forward to running my upcoming therapy groups in August. Something I’ve come to realize over my years as a therapist is that my clients have no idea that so many of them are talking about the exact same thing. It’s one thing to be told “you’re not alone.” It’s another thing to feel it when someone else puts words to something you’ve never quite been able to say, or when you recognize yourself in another person’s story.
This is what sets group therapy apart - in individual therapy, you explore your inner world. In group therapy, you experience yourself in real relationships, in real time.
These are the groups that are gaining the most interest so far and so I’ll be running them this August:
If either of these speaks to you, fill out this form to let me know which group you’re interested in and your availability. There’s a few other group options on the form, mark your interest and if there’s not enough interest this time, I’ll get back to you when there is! Once you fill out the form, I’ll email you to schedule a call to answer your questions and to give us a chance to get to know each other a bit better.
I know groups can seem intimidating. You don’t need to feel fully comfortable to start. You just need enough curiosity to step into something that might surprise you. Click here to read more details about groups including cost, process, etc. If you’re interested or have questions, just reply and I’ll follow up with you.
Resources
As always, thanks for joining me here. If I can ever be helpful with a resource or referral, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
Glad you're here,
fae
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dr. fae
has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She lives abroad and offers online therapy & clinical supervision. In her individual therapy practice, she specializes in depth work, value alignment, existential questions, decision making, and general coping to increase overall life satisfaction.
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