Resolutions rarely create a new you
Many of us use the new year to create new goals for ourselves. It’s only human to strive to be “better”. If resolutions seem to work for you, feel free to move along. However, if you usually lose steam on your changes by February, consider a different more purpose driven practice to creating change in your life. The best part, you don’t have to wait until January 1st to start. You can do this anytime you are ready for a change.
Step 1. Reflect
Long-lasting change rarely comes without reflection. Take a moment (or several) to consider your highs and lows over the past year.
What did you do/accomplish that you have been really proud of?
Which relationships and/or activities have been the most fulfilling for you?
When did you experience the most joy?
What did you neglect to do or fail at this year?
When did you experience high levels of shame/guilt/remorse?
Consider how you might increase the positive and reduce the negative, while remembering, we can’t get away from all negative feelings/events/situations
Step 2. Zoom out a bit
What major themes do you see in your highs and lows?
What values seem to be leading your life?
How are you spending your time?
Are you satisfied with your answers?
Step 3. Brainstorm and name your ideal values.
If this is difficult to do, check out my resources page for some worksheets
Try to focus on 3-5 values. Make sure you define what they mean to you.
Step 4. Set value centered intentions rather than “resolutions” centered in guilt/shame.
Set a phrase or two that you can keep in your vision. Put it on your mirror, your home-screen, or write it in your planner each week. Allow it to become your mantra as you work to change old unhelpful patterns. Make sure this phrase is kind, not judgmental. Here are some examples of common resolutions and how to shift them to be more “intentional”
Resolution – lose 20 lbs (because I don’t like my body – maybe due to unrealistic advertising/media)
Intention – I love my body as it is, and I take good care of it so it can take good care of me.
Resolution – Make $100,000 (because it will make me feel safer)
Intention – I have everything I need, and I can find safety within myself and my community (You may need to check the numbers to see if this is true for you, first)
Resolution – Be a better parent/child/friend/partner
Intention – I will give my important relationships the time they deserve and openly show my love and gratitude to those around me.
By setting these more general statements, you can be guided to more aligned choices every day. Remember, big changes are most likely to become permanent habits if they are rooted in our true value system and we say yes to them every chance we get, big or small, private or public.
I know these are not easy things to do. Maybe this was just the reminder you needed to get back on track, but it you need a little more help, consider reaching out to a mental health specialist. You can find my recommendations on the Fae’s Friends page or you can reach out to me by using the form, here.
If your intention is to connect more deeply with those around you, but you aren’t quite sure how to do that, my workshop may be able to help. The Deepening and Developing Connections workshop is four lectures on learning more about yourself, your vulnerabilities and how to use that information to adjust boundaries and connect more deeply with those around you. You will also learn how to use conflict to grow and strengthen your relationships rather than letting it create pain and distance. AND THAT’S NOT ALL! The workshop also comes with a 40-page workshop chock full of practical tips, reflection exercises and more resources than you can shake a stick at. You learn more and enroll here.
How to find a therapist - My favorite guide
All my favorite self-help resources are listed here under the “Self-help for specific concerns” tab. - pandemic, loneliness, and grief (and many others) are included.
Dr. Fae
has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She lives abroad and offers online therapy & clinical supervision. In her individual therapy practice, she specializes in value alignment, existential questions, decision making, and general coping to increase overall life satisfaction. Her online self-study course Deepening & Developing Connections is always available.
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