4 tips for creating a less stressed and more purposeful holiday season

 
Four people standing on a hilly ridge at sunset. Their arms are wrapped around each other's shoulders.

People often look forward to the holidays, but as they approach, many of us can become overwhelmed with the many pulls on our attention. Gift purchases, meal planning and cooking, travel plans, negotiating with family/friends about how/when/where to celebrate, children’s class parties, work gatherings, decorating, and for many of us there will also be birthdays, anniversaries, and regular work on top of all this.

I thought the holidays were supposed to be fun? Here’s a few tips from your neighborhood, values focused therapist on how to shift gears before you get carried away on that runaway holiday train. You can do these on your own, with your family/friends, or even with your teams at work/school/volunteer locations. So, let’s get to it.

 How to Reduce Holiday Stress.

#1 Set your intentions /  Center your values.

Decide what is REALLY important to you about each holiday and try to keep the spotlight on that theme. You may want to name this before or after any events to encourage everyone to keep the spirit. Some common values might be: Love, family, connection, community, sharing, giving, charity, joy, spirituality, or gratitude. Some things we often accidentally center: commercialism, doing it all, making everything perfect, excess, and high expectations (of self and others).

Pick your top three values (this can also be done together if celebrating with a group) and brainstorm ways to really center and embody these values throughout the holiday season and at events. Here’s a few examples

  • Joy- Each time you start to feel perfectionism trying to snatch away your joy, take a deep breath and remember positive things in your life – past or present.

  • Charity – Consider volunteering for a cause you care about this season as a way to connect to your community and give back.

  • Spirituality – Spend some extra time reading about, journaling/reflecting, or discussing the spiritual beliefs that are important to you. Even five minutes can really make a difference.

  • Community/Family – Create some discussion prompts in advance and have everyone at the table answer them. Make sure quieter family members have time/space to speak.

 

#2 Consciously choose traditions

Sometimes what we have always done isn’t serving us now. Write down what you “always” do and consider if it is in alignment with your values or even brings you joy. If it isn’t or doesn’t, consider dropping or modifying it. If it is still important to you, you may want to explain its roots and meaning to those around you so they can better celebrate with you.

You may decide to cut out some of the old baggage and create a new tradition that better upholds your values. Don’t worry, it’s just a test run. It doesn’t have to be perfect and you can always stop, adjust, or totally abandon the idea.

Maybe you aren’t able to be “home” or in your usual country this year. If so then it is especially important for you to plan out how to adjust old traditions rather than just skipping them.

  • If you usually volunteer in a soup kitchen, consider finding a similar place you can donate your time and effort to. Religious centers are often a good place to start. If you are at Post, consider asking CLO or local staff for places they may recommend. Be sure to consider and honor local traditions and customs.

  • If you are unable to spend time with family/friends in your usual ways, consider a video chat where you are both cooking or watching a movie or maybe even going for a walk. New findings say we often feel more connected in video chats if we are “doing” something together rather than just chatting. Give it a shot, I think you will find you will fall into “normal” conversational patterns quite quickly.

  • Holidays are a great time to invite new (and old) friends over. Sharing your tradition(s) and stories together will help you build connections that you can enjoy year round!

 

#3 Set boundaries, and stick to them!

There will be lots of demands on your time. Be sure to not overschedule yourself or force yourself into activities, visits, or even whole trips because “you’re supposed to”.

  • Say no to things that aren’t aligned with your values or consciously chosen traditions.

  • Schedule in time for the really important stuff and remember to stay present. Pro tip – Phones on airplane mode make great distraction free cameras!

  • As mentioned above, if your old traditions don’t work for you/your families need/budget, it’s okay to say you won’t be participating in them in the same way/at all this year.

 

#4 Find your joy and do more of that.

Sounds easy but it takes real work. The joy is always there, we just have to peel away those layers of expectation, judgment and perfectionism.

  • Remember - just because you always do it, doesn’t mean you have to keep doing it. If visiting your family makes you feel more like you are using up valuable time and resources more than it makes you feel loved, accepted, and rejuvenated, it’s okay to start a new tradition for the holidays with your (chosen) family or even take a break this year and see how that feels.

  • Food will burn, people will be late, there will be traffic, the weather may be all wrong. In these times it is most important to remember it’s ALL of those things that make a day unique and if nothing else, you’ll have a great story as long as you take a deep breath, relax and get back to enjoying where you are and the people who are there.

 

I know these are not easy things to do. Maybe this was just the reminder you needed to get back on track, but if you need a little more help, consider reaching out to a mental health specialist. Therapists can not only help you work through some old issues you may still be carrying around, they can help you figure out what your values are now and work with you as you create new ways of being. You can find my recommendations on the Fae’s Friends page or you can reach out to me by using the form, here.


If you would like to connect more deeply with those around you this holiday season, but you aren’t quite sure how to do that, my workshop may also be able to help. The Deepening and Developing Connections workshop is four lectures on learning more about yourself, your vulnerabilities and how to use that information to adjust boundaries and connect more deeply with those around you. You will also learn how to use conflict to grow and strengthen your relationships rather than letting it create pain and distance. AND THAT’S NOT ALL! The workshop also comes with a 40-page workshop chock full of practical tips, reflection exercises and more resources than you can shake a stick at. You learn more and enroll here.

Want more resources? You know I got ‘em. I know it may seem like an odd variety, but we all have different needs and different families.

Dr. Fae

has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. She lives abroad and offers online therapy & clinical supervision. In her individual therapy practice, she specializes in value alignment, existential questions, decision making, and general coping to increase overall life satisfaction. Her online self-study course Deepening & Developing Connections is always available.

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*The content on online-therapy.net is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical/therapy advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical/mental condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website.


 
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